I don’t even feel like journaling this. But, what good is a journal if you omit significant parts?
Friday was not a good day, trading-wise. This isn’t about losses. It’s about not taking trades. I found two trades that I SHOULD have taken but didn’t.
And the reason for not taking them are awful. It was laziness mixed with fear.
I have my spreadsheet with all my pairs listed. I usually start my work a few hours before the candle closes. As I work my way down my list, I mark which ones I need to come back to once the candle has closed.
I marked two trades at the top of my list, and kept working my way towards the bottom. Once I got to the bottom, in my mind I couldn’t think of any particular trade that I needed to review again, so I just went to bed. I completely forgot about the two trades at the top of my list that I marked.
Later in the day, I checked my trades, and that’s when I remembered. My frustration grew, and I remembered two other major trades (from two weeks ago) that I SHOULD have traded, but didn’t.
I started getting anxious. Really really anxious. I played some motivational speeches while I started pacing back and forth in my room.
I started getting kinda upset. That feeling like you wanna punch the wall or just start running or something. I didn’t know what to do, so I just put myself in the cold shower and shouted under the water.
I’ve never felt so close to start understanding trading in a profitable manner. But, I feel like the closer I get, the shorter my steps become.
I’m not looking for any advice from anyone. I’m at the point where buying more books isn’t gonna make a big difference. Studying more charts isn’t gonna make a big difference. No motivational speech is gonna make a big difference. The next big hurdle for me is taking the trade when my strategy says so, and not talking myself out of it.
It’s just me.
I didn’t want to believe that my low self-esteem problem was affecting my trading, but I have to be open to the possibility that maybe it is. I get scared of losing money, and perhaps that’s the only reason I don’t take those trades.
It could be both: low self-esteem and fear.
But it’s gotten to the point now that when I see the trades that I should have taken, but didn’t, it’s like I’m not standing up to my fear. I’m losing to my fear again and again. It feels like the equivalent of being a kid and another kid taking your lunch money, and you didn’t fight back.
Sovos said I seem to not trust my strategy. And I clearly don’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. I don’t trust my strategy because of fear of losing money (still in demo, but it feels real).
In the Disciplined Trader, it says our experiences keep on reinforcing our beliefs. Unless we are open to new information that could lead to new experiences, we will experience the closed-loop nature of our beliefs, assuming that what we experienced was the only possibility available. (pg 113)
So, that means even when I have a valid signal, I still think I’m gonna be wrong. Now, there are trades with mixed signals and I should stay out because I don’t see any clue suggesting which way price will go. If I see no clue, then both buy and sell feel wrong at the same time (which NEVER has happened in my backtest). But it feels wrong no matter what.
This feeling is becoming a default thought for many of my trades. I will not progress as a trader if I can’t get passed this fear, this hurdle. It’s just me. Books, studying, and backtests can help, but only so much.
It all comes down to me. Whether I take the trade or not.
Make no mistake, this is no reason to quit. This is nothing but a reason to keep going.