Father's day (Uk)

The Lobby
1

Sunday is Father’s day here in the uk (17.June) . One of my daughters and her husband are taking his dad, my partner and me out for a meal at one of the better “eateries” around here.

That is nice.

Neither he nor I have much time for my daughter’s mother, and when I look back in time and remember the crap I went through trying to bring the kids up, I am forced to think of those Fathers and their children currently denied access to each other by manipulative women.

Yes I spent the £5,000 taking her through the courts to get “parental Responsibility” for my kids, with her not attending court and the case being constantly “Postponed”. Yes I managed to stop her subsequent husband from legally “Adopting” my kids. (He got legal “Parental responsibility” - just by marrying my ex- although I know he regretted it later !) Yes I managed to see them every single weekend. Yes I paid the “maintenance” money every week. Yes I sat up with them all night sometimes, helping them to understand their schoolwork and write up “Projects” etc - but until I had taken her through the Courts, the “Schools” would not speak to me. I remember one Head telling me this once and I remember saying “No but you can LISTEN !”

Yes I gave up a good job once to look after them when the “ex” was playing up.

Such are the trials of being a “Dad”

Now they are grown, my kids love me and I love them

Hwever I know the trauma and distress that a great many Fathers in the uk are going through even as I type and sadly the propaganda crap that is moulding young minds to think their fathers are Bad people by mothers who want too “get rid of the past” and for the kids to “Start new lives - with your New Dad” !

Yes I know “Father’s day” is a hype for Retailers to cash in on, but it’s also a time for some of us and our children to reflect on the past and enjoy the present, provided they are Allowed to !

And time perhaps to spare a thought for those Dads and kids who see the adverts and the celebrations on TV and just silently think “If only” :cry:

Happy father’s day to those of you who are and do not have the problems I mention.

I hope that you never do actually understand what I am talking about here.

And a VERY happy Father’s day to those dads and kids who do Understand exactly what I speak of and have managed to survive ! Well done ! :relaxed:

10 Likes
2

Thanks for the thoughtful and emotional post, @Falstaff. I am sorry to hear of your difficulties in the past, which, as you say, I am sure is shared by many!

It is always good on these types of celebration days to put some depth and meaning to them rather than just the superficial tinsel……

I hope you have a really happy day with your family :family_men_girl_boy:

4 Likes
3

Thank you @anon46773462 - I’m sure I will :relaxed:

I really appreciate the thought and I hope You and yours have a great day too. :slight_smile:

2 Likes
4

Unfortunately, not yet! Fathers’ Day here is not until 11. Nov.

The mothers “stole” the spring season with Mothers’ Day in May so us poor dads have to make the best of the November cold and dark! It is probably about the worst time of year here, the autumn colours have all gone, the trees are bare, the evenings are already dark and the sparkling white Christmas snows are still a month away…but there are many ways to make it a happy day for the resourceful! :smiley:

1 Like
5

Lol ! There are good women as well as bad ! - just as there are good men as well as bad ! - Mostly the members of both sexes are just “Normal” - tending towrads “Good” - don’t get me wrong mate - I’m not in any way “anti women” - without them my life would have been very lonely as by and large “men” do not converse about “feelings” and (used to) think it was “unmanly” to do so. I always craved those discussions !

However, I am by nature a contrarian and look to see times when “the pendulum” has swung too far" - as in the case of the current wave of “feminists”.

I’ll come back to this another day, as I now feel I’ve “had a few” and I have more to say, but not “just now” …

PLease feel free to comment on what I have written, if you want to, either here or by pm. I always value your opinion greatly.

Anyway, a bit premature it may be, but Happy Fathers day for November ! :sunglasses:

2 Likes
6

Hoo boy. I just read this. While I’m happy you are a dad who is loved, I am also sad you went through what you went through. Don’t you sometimes wish people took personality tests before choosing their partners to try and filter out certain things you may not want??

Belated Happy Father’s Day! Your kids are lucky to have you. :slight_smile:

3 Likes
7

I totally agree with you on that one.

Naturally, neither men nor women should be restricted or limited or subjected to discrimination on the ground of their gender. Nor should they be forced into any preconceived role on that basis.

Finland was one of the very first countries to give women the vote and has had both female prime ministers and a president… but it still has a long way to go in achieving equality even in such basics as salaries…

2 Likes
8

Don’t get me wrong here mate- As a survivor of two failed marriages and a single parent father, I’d “been around a bit” and she had some very positive attributes !

On a “relationship basis” There was/is none better ! :wink:

On a “work ethic basis”, she would get up at 6am, to “decorate” and would continue until “it was done” - even if that was 4 am the following day !

There is no better “grafter” ! She could and would do A LOT in a day !

There are tests out there which you can use in fact, but they are not necessary. Just listen - “they” will actually tell you in words of one or two sylables all that you need to know ! :relaxed: Provided you have the key to understand what “they say”.

The next lady in my life and I were about to board a plane to go on holiday, when I came across this book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-people-play-psychology-relationships/dp/B0000CMY6D/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1529975880&sr=8-11&keywords=games+people+play

When we returned, I could not wait to escape from the “NIGYSOB” I was accompanying and never had one moment’s doubt that I did the right thing !

Many trials later, I settled upon the lady who shares my life now and has done for many years.

A lovely lady whom I can completely trust with my innermost secrets and although she has some “issues” I’m not 100% with, I accept them - and she accepts some of mine.

That book and some of the others around it have entirely changed my life, and that of my children ! For the better !

God alone knows where we would be now - without it !

9

Have you ever thought about the word - relationSHIP? It will sink at some point.
It’s the circle of life.
At the moment I am having second thoughts about my marriage. Especially since I’ve noticed that she no longer wears her wedding ring, nor the engagement one.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

10

Not to make light of your situation or pry into your personal life but what if she’s not wearing them because they’re either too tight or too loose that she’s afraid to lose them. Maybe you can ask her about it if you haven’t yet.

11

She had them resized a couple of times. They fit.

12

In a way yes ! We (all animals) are governed by the dictates of the great God Evoluton and there are some very “Odd” facts which Govern what we know as (romantic) “Love” in a relationship.

It changes. At first, those feelings we associate with falling in love are almost unbearable. They are real and it has been proven that we release a chemical into our systems which cause those feelings and the actions which we know. It is Evolution’s way of making us WANT to procreate and is amazingly successful throughout the animal kingdom. After a while the feelings change somewhat to a sort of “maintenance period” where we just want to be “A family” and from an Evolutionary perspective where “woman” would stay in the cave (or hut - whatever) to look after the “kids” and “man” would go hunting for food and stick around the place as “protector”, this period is very relevant for the “raising” of the “brood”. A second chemical has been identified as being released during this time, to “keep us faithful” although whether we actually remain “faithful” in the total sense of the word, can be a little doubtful.

As the maintenance period is waning, we tend to start to see a huge number of “faults” in our partner and grow over time to actively dislike them, often to the stage of “can’t stand to be near them” and “want a swap”. This has been recognised in film and song for many many decades with things like the “7 year itch”, Kramer v Kramer" etc etc. I am unsure whether a third chemical has been identified for this stage, but if not, I rather hink it will in the fullness of time.

There is nothing to be done about this - except for one partner to allow the other to have their own way in all things. A common response for our great grand parents where divorce was not possible and the normal response was “You’ve made your bed you must lie in it !”

We can try to “out-think” Evolution and go to “counselling” if we want to try to make a compromise, or we can follow the dictates of Evolution and split up - go find another partner and thus put more diversity in our personal “offspring gene pool” as I think Evolution intended.

Now we can as a species, try to overcome this Evolutionary drive - as the Victorians did, through the dictates of some Religion or other and by making arbitrary “rules” that man runs the lives of himself, his wife and his children, leading to massive unfairness and distress for all involved, or we can accept it “Snap the broom handle” and move on ( a reference to divorce within the “living over the brush” form of marrage which poor people used to undertake).

Sometimes nowadays it “tickles me” - watching the anger and frustration of the “new wave feminists” and their attempts to bypass these Evolutionary drives and “change things” - the subject matter of this thread shows some of the effects which these attempts have had on men who “just want to be dads”, but from an Evolutionary perspective, none of that matters - the Genes Will go forward !

By and large both men and women, just totally ignore them (Evangelising feminists) ! (untill “divorce time” at least ) - but hey

"we’re civilised and THINKING people - we’re in charge of our own lives and our own destinies …! "

Are we ? - er - “in your dreams !” :laughing::laughing:

However @CoinLady makes a good point here "have you asked her ? "

It would seem logical to do so - or - Are you frightened of her ?

(pm me if you feel the need for a chat - with a distant third party )

13

I’m sorry to hear about what you had to go through @Falstaff but I’m happy that it somehow all worked for you. Belated happy father’s day and I hope you had a nice celebration. :slight_smile:

1 Like
14

I see, but you can still ask her. Hopefully the reason isn’t something so serious.

15

Yes he could still “ask her” - and by the same token one has to wonder why she just took them off - without explanation and without telling him why at the time ?

16

I didn’t “have to” go through anything really, I chose to and I chose to investigate the underlying reasons and to make myself as knowledgeable as I could about the issues involved. My little explanation above was the first “success” in my striving for an explanation. It was explained to me by the Senior Psychology Lecturer at a University close to where I live, whom I was introduced to by a close friend. She drew me a diagram (graph ) to show emotion against time at the same time.

I always find it amazing that this, “Games” (like Drama triangle and NIGYSOB) and “Transactional Analysis” are hardly known by anyone except the senior professionals, when it is so relevant to all of us and so obvious when we are introduced to it and “Not knowing” causes us so much pain and distress in so many ways.

17

Good thread, Falstaff…

Sadly the good dads are drowned out by the absent fathers or fathers who just walk out of their kids’ lives…

So every decent, loving father has a system that is disproportionately against them… Just like a black man

is more at risk of being stopped and searched by police while he is walking and minding his own business…,

just like women are less likely to be believed when they make a complaint about rape if the perpetrator is

a ‘well respected’ and privileged man…

There are prejudices and biases against every single sector of society, of different kinds and severity: the

ones against dads are possibly three:

  1. they are incompetent, and they could not possibly truly be looking after their kids on their own;

  2. they would have no idea what to do if they were left on their own with their kids;

  3. they cannot be trusted alone with other people’s kids.

The third type is particularly pernicious, because women are historically not faced with the

‘predator’ prejudice when it comes to children - the majority of child abuse is perpetrated by men, sadly -

so whether it is men in nurseries (non-existent, mythical figures) or in primary schools (a few more, but

still tiny numbers) or child-minders (basically a scary thought to anyone, it seems), the prejudice that they

could not be wanting to spend time with children out of love for their job or for looking after the next generation

is rampant.

As for the other two points in my mini-list, they are less pernicious and certainly they undermine dads’ confidence,

especially single dads, who often do not seek out other dads and just try to deal with everything by themselves,

out of pride or stubbornness, or inability to share with fellow men. However, when confronted with such inanities

I just smile them away and think about how many things I have to get on with as a dad and waste little mental

energy on the prejudices, stereotypes, and tropes that people - a lot of them well-meaning women, sadly - throw

at you without even stopping to think about me as a real person with feelings, pride, and competence as a parent.

Thankfully I meet lots of wonderful people in my walks with my little child, who are very nice to us both and so

I know that the world is ready for stay-at-home dads and it is no longer ‘weird’.

Well, I said my piece!

Away to recharge my batteries.

Good night, all.

Happy trading.

4 Likes
18

@Falstaff @CoinLady
Thank you both.
I just took the rings and moved them in order to see when is she going to start looking for them.
Sure enough - the next morning.
Long story short - the previous night she was making meatballs and took the rings off so they don’t get filth in them.

Still I’d never take mine off. If I do - it will be once the marriage is over. That said when she doesn’t speak to me about what’s going on with her and doesn’t share what’s bothering her but instead says “Nothing” and then throws a tantrum for no obvious reason that’s when I`m starting to question if this marriage was a good idea.
I would have ended it by now but there’s a 1-year old at home that I do not want to leave without a father.

19

Was she like this always ? Or is it just since the child was born ? - Have you looked at the possibility of “post natal depression” mate ? It can be very real.

The little one will always have a father @bradley79 - that will always be YOU ! :relaxed: I don’t know the laws of your country, but you ARE married - that is usually a help when it comes to “Access” arrangements. Although if she plays the “Victim card” and alleges “Physical or emotional Abuse”, then usually “officialdom” will just believe her allegations, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. Men have no defence against “trial by denunciation”

https://www.theepochtimes.com/rape-trial-collapses-after-40000-texts-are-revealed_2389987.html

That woman has never been called to account for her actions and her name has never been released. Clearly it should have been as she represents a very serious danger to ALL men she might come into contact with.

However it does seem the lad IS going to sue the Police - As is Sir Cliff Richard. :sunglasses:

Nobody can really advise you without knowing quite a bit more, but as I said feel free to pm me if you’d like a quiet chat.

atb

F

20

Sorry if I am interfering where I dont belong but could that possibly be at the heart of the matter?

The first year with a baby, after the long and emotional time preceding it, is extremely demanding on a woman in many ways.

Apart from the hard work and stresses, some may also feel they have lost their youth and freedom, even their attractiveness. Maybe she is just in need of your reassurances regarding her value and your feelings - or maybe feels, rightly or wrongly, that there is an imbalance in the mutual family workload?

IMHO, when a woman responds with “nothing” it can often mean that they feel they have been neglected or in some way treated unfairly or taken for granted?

Surprise her! :slight_smile:

2 Likes