God helps those who help themselves.
With sincere apologies to [I]Time[/I] magazine for shamelessly stealing quotes from their “Verbatim” column in the Feb 14 issue —
“There were points in my life where I felt oddly irresistible to women.
I’m not in that state now.”
Jack Nicholson, actor, 73, expressing sadness about his age.
“It’s a legal product. I choose to smoke. Leave me alone.”
John Boehner, Speaker of the House, after being asked about his cigarette habit.
That’s funny :D…originally I had my signature quoting a Carrie Newcomer song phrase…
[B][I]It’s not always getting what you want, but wanting what you get [/I][/B]
…then I changed it slightly not realizing is was a Dale Carnegie phrase…lol…I’m flattered 
I want it all — I want it all — I want it all, AND I WANT IT NOW!
“Here are no dumb questions. Sometimes there are dumb answers, so watch out — but, no dumb questions.”
Clint.
[B]The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.[/B]
- Elizabeth Taylor
““If we were faultless we should not be so much annoyed by the defects of those with whom we associate.”
Francois Fenelon
I like that quote.
“A woman can fake an orgasm.
A man can fake an entire relationship.”
Sharon Stone
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from [B]BOYFRIEND 5.0[/B] to [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B] and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under [B]BOYFRIEND 5.0[/B].
In addition, [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B] uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as [B]ROMANCE 9.5[/B] and [B]PERSONAL ATTENTION 6.5[/B], and then installed undesirable programs such as [B]NEWS 5.0[/B], [B]MONEY 3.0[/B] and [B]CRICKET 4.1[/B].
[B]CONVERSATION 8.0[/B] no longer runs, and [B]HOUSE CLEANING 2.6[/B] simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running [B]NAGGING 5.3[/B] to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, [B]BOYFRIEND 5.0[/B] is an Entertainment Package, while [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B] is an operating system.
Please enter command: [U][B]ithoughtyoulovedme.html[/B][/U] and try to download [B]TEARS 6.2[/B] and do not forget to install the [B]GUILT 3.0[/B] update.
If that application works as designed, HUSBAND 1.0 should then automatically run the applications [B]JEWELLERY 2.0[/B] and [B]FLOWERS 3.5[/B].
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B] to default to [B]SILENCE 2.5[/B] or [B]BEER 6.1[/B].
Please note that [B]BEER 6.1[/B] is a very bad program that will download the [B]SNORING LOUDLY Beta[/B].
Whatever you do, [B]DO NOT[/B] under any circumstances install [B]MOTHER-IN-LAW 1.0[/B] (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please [B]do not[/B] attempt to reinstall the [B]BOYFRIEND 6.0[/B] program. These are unsupported applications and will crash [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B].
In summary, [B]HUSBAND 1.0[/B] is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: [B]COOKING 3.0[/B] and [B]HOT LOOKS 7.7[/B].
Good Luck Madam!
Good one, Sweet Pip !
Yeah!!! I am an honorable man!! That last post was hilarious.
“The problem with internet quotes is, you never know if they are authentic.”
-Abraham Lincoln-
“I have been broke three or four times.
But fortunately for me I’m not an MBA,
so I didn’t know I was broke.”
Billionaire T. Boone Pickens
as quoted by Michael Covel in [I]The Complete Turtle Trader[/I]
“Some sex is good. More is better.
Too much is just about right.”
Confucius
Yeah, right, blame it on Confucius!
“The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.”
-Dale Carnegie
“Kill all your enemies and you will have no enemies”
-Klingon warrior
“Never take a hostage you aren’t prepared to shoot.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Rep., Ky)
[B]“Never shoot a hostage you aren’t prepared to take”[/B]
Or
[B]“Never shoot a take of a hostage you haven’t prepared”[/B]
[I]“Words differently arranged have a different meaning, and meanings differently arranged have different effects.” [/I] ~ Pascal
from a sign in front of a wild animal park:
“Warning, Tresspassers will be eaten”
from another warning sign:
“warning, Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”
Graffiti off a urinal wall (placed at eye level) in Embu Kathigiriri Prison, remand section 2 (and yes you guessed right, I’m not guilty):
“The future of our country is now in your hands”