Words could not express how i feel at the moment. I would like to thank all the Babypips member for their heartfelt support and encouragement.
Last week, i snapped and my Live account went bust again. After i went bust, i couldn’t stop asking myself. “Why didn’t i step on the brakes? I could have accepted a smaller loss and start over again on a positive note.”
Viper was right. I was revenge trading. For me, accepting a loss of $200 was a bitter pill to swallow. It took me 4 weeks grind to gain 45% and just a day to lose 20%. That thought was psychologically hard for me to deal with. I lost control of myself and traded intensively. I even manage to recoup my 40% gains but i didn’t stop there, I continue to trade aggressively. Karma eventually catch up with me.
Over the weekends, I kept going thru my mind on what was the cause of my demise. I snapped but why? I couldn’t find an answer. Am i really such a sore loser. Why can’t i accept a big loss and continue trading in a rational manner? Am i such an irresponsible person? Evidence have proven that i am uncontrollable when i snapped. Money management ceased to existence.
Basically, i had lost control of myself. The cool and rational self of me was not there anymore. Despite having someone like Viper to remind me, my ego simply put up a wall of deafness.
I snapped on the 5th week. For the 1st to 3rd week, i was utilising a max of about 15% of leverage, and i was still coping alright. Into the 4th week, leverage increased beyond 20%. After that, tension builds up, and i seem oblivious to the fact that i was threading on thin ice. It was like the story of the boiling frog.
Last week, I was in a state of despair, i am so sad and feel as though the world is caving in. At first, i felt insignificant and worthless. The whole world knew that i bust my account again. It was a really embarassing moment for me and i just felt like running away, don’t really feel like talking about it. However, if i keep running away from my fear, when does it end? I will not be able to move on. The only way for me now is to fight it. Face my mistakes, acknowledge it. Decipher what went wrong and implement a plan to prevent future occurrences.
I was coping fine when my use of leverage was confine within 15% boundary. The success of 30% gains in 3 weeks time got me Euphoric. I became risk intolerant. Risk management became insignificant and was completely ignored by me.
After much contemplation, here’s my plan to cope with losses. For every ONE trade closed on a negative note. I will have to perform one demo trade, and it needs to be closed on a positive note, before i can return to make another live trade. My use of leverage shall not exceed 15% at any point in time.
With the help of my youngest biological brother, i got to reload my live account today. However, at the moment, my confidence level is overwhelmingly low, and i dare not make any trade. Perhaps, i shall perform 3 demo trades and get at least 2 out of 3 correct, before i proceed to live trade.